Reaching Forward

“Now we are relearning and reshaping our daily lives. We don’t get back to normal, we create a new normal. We find our way to a purposeful, meaningful, and hopeful life again. We make choices for the present and the future to avoid becoming prisoners of the past. Yes, it’s painful…and may take longer than you imagine.”

Excerpt From: “Reflections of a Grieving Spouse”, H. Norman Wright

Trying to learn how to make these choices towards purposeful future. I am changing. Not sure exactly how, yet…but, I am not the same. Marriage, fatherhood, intimate relationship…these things changed me, as well. They made me better. Can Jana’s death make me better?

God, what will you choose to do with me? Where will you lead…where are you now leading? Thank you for not forgetting me…

I am engaging in different relationships, situations, locations, and scenery. I am taking in the new… The way it was felt so comfortable. I have always liked to be pushed into growth, spiritually, emotionally, and educationally. But, I had always felt a sense of control, like the growth was on my terms. Now, it is not…at all. The growth is on God’s terms.

The positives of the present and the future exist, I know they’re out there. I don’t want to be a prisoner to the past. That denotes an unhealthy attachment to what is no longer. I want a love for the past, a joy in thinking of the past…a happiness in my memories.

When? When will these things begin to get into right order? When will I step out of my weird, foggy place and begin to see the sparkle in the future? The shining of good things that seem so far beyond my grasp…

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