The Night, Hour by Hour

Today marks seven weeks since Jana died. Somehow, I am making it through life. Often, I have the feeling, “who cares about any of this?” But, of course, it’s just a feeling and I move on. I have many feelings, and for those who have suffered intense grief, you can relate. They are surprising feelings at times…

Last night, I didn’t sleep well. I was almost following the clock with the events that happened 7 weeks ago in the hospital. At 11:30pm, I remembered that at that time I stood helpless as I watched Jana get wheeled out of the room to get an X-ray due to her abdominal pain not going away.

Then, for several hours after about 2am while laying in my bed watching cooking infomercials, my mind was focused more on her pain that night. The way she couldn’t sit still. All the medication she took, and still experienced the horrific pain. I heard her last words to me, that were actually coherent, “dad, it hurts so bad”…

3:30am marked the time she fell asleep, and her body began to shut down. Nobody realized that was happening, it was assumed she was finally sleeping due to medication. So, here in my home, a little after 4am, I also fell asleep. I didn’t get up this morning at 4:45am like I did 7 weeks ago, when I found my bride breathing her last breaths on her own. No, today I slept a little longer and woke to my girls getting ready for their day. I woke to the “new normal” of waking up alone. I woke to the pain and sadness that follows me everywhere…

I remember the times, I remember the events. It was the most horrible night of my life, and probably will always be. I am scarred. I still find myself in an unbelieving state. A few times a day I will stop and come to the same conclusion, “she really has died.” And, then there is a next thought that I haven’t been able to think yet… It’s hard to explain but there is a thought after, that I know is there, but I can’t formulate it.

I know the next thought is meaningful, maybe revolutionary in my progress of grief, but it won’t materialize in my mind. She really has died…and…? What?! I have been struggling with this for weeks. Maybe I’m not ready for the next thought. I have my speculations, although I suppose I will think the next thought when it’s time.

For now, I’m still working on the first thought. My play by play, over the course of last night, of 7 weeks ago tells me that the first statement still requires my mental attention. She really has died…