Feeling Medium

Beautiful fall day. Fun activities are planned over the course of the next days and weeks. Holidays are coming and family gatherings are on the calendar. And I am numb…

I feel like “Debbie Downer” most of the time, if not all of the time. I imagine people that interact with me are sad to learn that I am still feeling so low. For the most part, folks have returned to their normal routines, or their own concerns, after the loss of Jana. Not that friends don’t care, I KNOW they care, but it’s just the way relationships work. Those further from the person heal quicker, it’s natural.

But, today, I feel numb. I don’t have strong feelings in any direction. Which is a feeling that is strangely welcome. I have not felt “good” since before July 26th…but, I am dangerously close to feeling “medium” at this moment. Which is preferable to “crappy”, which is my norm.

Lately, I have been focusing on the fact that God knows me. He is aware of my troubles, He knows my thoughts (good and bad), He has patience with me, and chooses to love me anyway! I need someone to understand me! I don’t understand me, right now. People remark, “I don’t know what to say, I might make it worse.” For one thing, nobody can make it worse, the other thing is, I don’t even know what to say! This brings me back to my need for reliance on God.

[1] LORD, you have searched me and known me. [2] You know when I sit down and when I stand up; you understand my thoughts from far away. [3] You observe my travels and my rest; you are aware of all my ways. [4] Before a word is on my tongue, you know all about it, LORD. [5] You have encircled me; you have placed your hand on me. [6] This wondrous knowledge is beyond me. It is lofty; I am unable to reach it. Psalm 139:1-6

My grief will increasingly become my work alone. It has always been my work, but others will not have the capacity to walk as closely beside me through the days and months to come. I have wonderful friends that care for me deeply, this I know. Even so, the work before me is between God and I. I am learning to live under His sovereign ways. I am communicating with Him regarding my failures and my successes in faith. He knows me and walks with me.

It is reassuring to know that I am not alone. I think and do things that are sinful. This is a part of my life that is known by God. I am not happy with this, but He continues to walk with me, encouraging me, leading me, and loving me. I need this. I need Him.

Lord, thank you for knowing me. Thank you for giving me what I need. Please help me to focus on your leadership and love for me, even in times that I feel far away from you…Amen.

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