Slowly Changing

It takes time to “agree” with the fact that my wife has died. I am not fully there, but increasingly I am seeing this as the fact. The thought still holds a little surprise when I consider the loss…but the surprise and disbelief are fading.

In catching up with the facts of my situation, I am able to begin looking at the landscape of my place in life. What needs to be arranged? What should be done with the relational items in this new space? My work is to get my life organized under the new scheme.

It’s not time to fully commit to my new life, it’s piece by piece. There are days that I feel as if I am managing things well. I might start to feel as if I am really getting somewhere with this grief… The next day, I am flattened by it. The sorrow rears up and mercilessly knocks me to the ground.

When the lows arrive, they are low. The pain is unbearable. No place to go, nowhere to run…it’s just a matter of feeling the hurt. It can feel like I’m going crazy. My heart breaks in those moments, the suffering is all I can think about. Crying, writing, and exercising help…

Fall is here. The leaves are starting their color change. It slowly starts, then one day you actually notice the change. Little by little the green turns yellow, or red, or brown. It’s a beautiful change, a change that is designed and steady. God is in charge. He is changing me, slowly. He has a design and a purpose. I trust in this plan, just as the trees abide by His purpose for growth…so will I.

The tide is turning. I am not wishing for the past, or that things didn’t happen the way they did as much as I am finding things to hope for in the future. This represents growth. Again, I am agreeing with the facts…not liking them, but, agreeing with the reality of her death. I can look forward when I consider reality. I hurt for my loss, remember her constantly, and thank God for our time…and, now I also pray for the future.

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