Jana and I enjoyed going out and spending date nights together. Sometimes it was a planned event, other times it was just catching some free time and going out. We always had a good time exploring the city, trying a new restaurant, or window shopping various stores.
Tonight, I was driving along, heading to Nebraska Furniture Mart in Kansas, and I realized I was on one of our date nights. I met Allyson, took homecoming pictures and then the night was mine to do as I pleased. So, I planned a visit to NFM to watch drone races in their parking lot, did a little shopping, and went to a Thai noodle place that had high Yelp reviews. This could have been one of our date nights, but I was going alone.
Once I realized I was behaving as if Jana was with me, I felt sad that she wasn’t, but empowered to continue enjoying my evening. I fell into sorrowful thinking while shopping at Nebraska Furniture Mart. We liked to go and dream about decorating the house or getting new couches.
Then, while eating my dinner, I felt the sorrow of Jana not being along to enjoy the Thai food with me. It’s difficult to thoroughly find joy in doing these things by myself, but I am happy to go and spend a night out…with myself.
I prayed a lot while driving. I thank God periodically for various things associated with Jana, especially our time together. God blessed me with a wonderful woman. I would marry her, and live out our 22 years a thousand times over…
Driving home, I thought about some of the times over the years that we had traveled that particular highway. I can remember events and activities we went to and from. My mind keeps traveling this road, and so many more. I want to think about her, remember our time…but what good does it do me? The sorrow wells up. Sometimes it’s crying that is the expression, and other times it just hurts and I can’t do anything about it. But, I can’t stop thinking about her.