A Halloween Trick

One down, three to go. For the last few days, I was feeling down and somewhat more depressed than usual. Then, on Halloween, I was really struggling with emotions. I got home after a tough day of mental turmoil to find out that the kids were also struggling. My hypothesis was bolstered…

We did not have any particular traditions surrounding Halloween but we did enjoy this holiday, especially when the girls were young. Halloween sort of signifies the beginning of the holiday season. Every couple of weeks after this are significant holidays in a season that holds so many memories.

We were all thinking heavily about getting through this first holiday without Jana. The funny thing is none of us really recognized exactly why we were having such a tough time, until the pieces were put together. So…we went out to eat and went shopping! After we talked and spent some time together sharing our grief, the evening changed it’s tenor and we were able to relax.

There seems to be an internal clock that recognizes anniversaries and special days before I consciously recognize them. Emotionally I begin responding – sometimes days before the event. Am I preparing for the pain somehow? I am writing this November 1st…and today has had the more typical amount of sorrow. After yesterday, the levels just dropped.

How will Thanksgiving be? Or…Christmas? Am I already preparing myself automatically? I am certainly not looking forward to certain aspects of the next 2 months. But, there are lots of great plans that we have made already – plans that honor Jana, help us celebrate, and experience enjoyable traditions. These events…I am looking forward to.

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