My steam engine of grief, which always seems completely filled with fuel, continues to take me along the highs and lows of this journey. As I approach significant milestones, it seems the grief begins to “ramp up” prior to the date. The engine goes into overdrive and picks up speed. Six months without Jana was two days ago. There’s no stopping this free-fall down the tracks.
Anxiety goes up, fears creep in, the pit in my stomach tries to make it’s presence known… Grief is trying to re-arrange it’s loosening grip on me and pull me back. It wants me to mourn, lose hope, and retreat. No, Grief, you are serving your purpose, just fine. I don’t need more of you, I need you to continue stepping back.
What a battle! I am striving toward, what they call, acceptance. This place, to me, includes the realization that she died, my differentiated identity, and an enduring hope in eternity with Christ!
I didn’t want this, I am not happy with this part of God’s plan. But, He has not left me…or her! We are here at His hands, for His good pleasure. I am the created, and this particular ‘created’ wants to give God glory for what He has done and how He has provided!
God has given me strength for this season. I would shudder to think what I would have done without the Lord propping me up. I am thankful to Him, even though there are many times in which I have not acknowledged Him.
Sometimes, I feel at odds with my Heavenly Father. His decisions put me in a different place, and I can struggle with feeling “love” from Him. It’s there, make no mistake, God’s love IS there. It carries me along…His love even allows me to sit and pout, at times. I believe that God is understanding enough to love me through my own self-pity.
Still, after a casual reflection on the previous paragraphs, I am on the rising and falling track… Nothing steady, nothing flat and smooth. I’m high and low. Ok, then…the ride will go a while longer, I get it.
The rumblings of a new “dream” are sounding in my head. I like the idea of a house, on an acreage, maybe some water nearby… An office in the house where I can write, maybe even a book? I don’t know, it sounds a lot like the movie “Misery,” and that didn’t go too well for him…