Everything that happens in my life is measured against a “feeling” chart. I ask myself how I am feeling about this holiday or that memory. “How are you doing?” Still a great question… I’m tired of the question, but it still seems appropriate.
I’m still walking in, what feels like, a fog. I find myself being forgetful, absent-minded, and unclear on details of the past 6 months. The most clarity that I can attain is in memories of Jana. That was when life was real…
The present feels like some alternate universe. A place that has yet to be understood. Much of the world around me looks the same, but it’s all different. Like an episode of the Twilight Zone. I have stepped into some other dimension.
People look at me differently, I can sense that. I guess that’s ok? It’s a heavy weight to carry being known as “Chris, the guy who lost his wife.” But, it’s hard not to know me that way if you knew me before. I suppose that “title” will fade over time and I will be known, more so, for who I am again.
There is a responsibility to being known as the guy who lost his wife, though. I recognize that God is good and that He loves me…even in the horrible times of life. This is a truth of scripture.
Even when I go through the darkest valley, I fear no danger, for you are with me; your rod and your staff-they comfort me.
It is my work to share the truth of God’s love for us, and to share Jesus’ work on the cross that conquered death and gives us life. My emotions are a series of lows and “less” lows (right now), but the Lord is steady! He is my rock of salvation in a world that seems to have been otherwise warped.
Bottom line, I guess, is that I am in a place that I have never been. I am treading ground in a land that is foreign to me. Relationships, feelings, situations, goals, and my current circumstances are all different. Things have, indeed, fundamentally changed in many ways. I have changed in many ways. But, even in this place of shifting sand and changing tides, I can lean on and trust in one constant – Jesus.