We moved into the house we bought in 2009. Once everything was moved in and arranged, we began “settled” in to the new living situation. It didn’t take long, and soon it felt like we had “always” been there.
A similar feeling is after children are born. In quick fashion, it feels as if they have been in the family the whole time! It becomes hard to remember a time when they weren’t there.
Maybe we easily adapt to new…the past is not forgotten, technically, the new just takes over. A different way of living becomes routine, a major adjustment in circumstance is now the way life is lived. We naturally gravitate toward an “even” ground. We seek a less tumultuous place to exist.
Grief is rocky, unpredictable, and shocking. These qualities defined my life for many months. Slowly, intentionally, I moved to a place where emotions were more manageable, where I could live peacefully, and the new “normal” could be attained.
A few days ago, I realized that my normal was, in fact, taking over. I enjoy my life. God has given me these days, and I appreciate His goodness. I am, over time, dropping the “asterisk” on my statements. I can freely say, “I enjoy life,” without having to add, “But, I wish it still included Jana.” Of course I wish it was different!
Looking to the future, I will never fully enjoy the now, or somebody else, for that matter, if I do not embrace my life. I am speculating that, if allowed, grief can rob a person of the joys that could be had. At some point, this becomes a decision. Grief forces it’s way in, but when the job is done, grief can be ushered out the door, too.
There is a difference between “grief” and feelings of “sorrow.” The tears for the loss of my wife will always be available. The memories will persevere. I will always, to some degree, discern the sharpness of sadness. These are not grief responses, it’s my memory, it’s my heart. Grief will end, bringing me to my destination…then, I will live my life built up and strengthened by the hard work that Grief and I have put in.
Now, I choose to find the beauty in today, the excitement of looking into another’s eyes, the warmth of close friends, and being me…a single man. There is still much to figure out. God didn’t take my everything…He is my everything.
I will be upon this earth for a short time, what does He plan for me? Certainly, He knows my desires and He gives good gifts, but, ultimately, His will is to be done. May my life be a testament to His work and grace!