There are moments that sear into our memory throughout the course of life. Some wonderful, some devastating. We remember the place, time, smells, feels, and any other various stimuli from the experience at that particular second in time. For me, starting on July 26th, 2019, I had one of these moments after another as Jana and I descended into the realities of our painful situation…And, one year later, I find myself re-living the past.
From July 26th until Aug 7th, when Jana died, we received bits of information that seemed to, in momentous fashion, drive our emotions high and depressingly low. I can remember sitting in the chair listening to various doctors face us and deliver horrible message after horrible message. The chair was different, the doctor was sometimes different, but the electric shock of pain was the same. It drove deep into my heart.
In a way, I felt that I knew… Not when or what would happen, just that God was going to make some major changes. I felt prepared. We grasped onto faith, strove for peace, and cried for mercy in those 13 days. If I had only known it would be our last…
I moved in. I bought some furniture items, set up my area next to Jana’s bed, and took the staff serious when they said we could make the hospital room our own. We planned on being there a couple of months. She was my bride, I wouldn’t leave her. She fought hard to be healthy and do what the doctors instructed. I supported her in whatever she needed or wanted, if even it was a taste of something that sounded good to her like a powdered donut or getting her a pair of slippers.
Each day was shocking in the news that it had to offer. If nothing particularly new was discovered and shared by the doctor, just the sight of Jana in her hospital bed with her continuous drip chemo IV’s was bothersome enough. Toughest days of my life.
Moments…each moment remembered. Whether I want to recall it or not. The shock, fear, sadness, and hope. They were all there in full display. I can sit quietly now, after a year of intense processing, and easily place myself back into that chair…feeling the emotions of another life-altering string of words from a physicians mouth. I won’t forget those experiences.
I’m also marching…I’m marching toward Aug 7th. It’s the last of the 13 days. The one in which all of these heartbreaking moments culminates in. I can already feel this anniversary coming, I’ve felt it for days. My heart is heavy, my thoughts are low, and the memories are washing back across my consciousness.
Life, for me right now, is an interesting tapestry of life and death, hope and fear, sorrow and joy. These emotions swirl together creating layer upon layer of thought and…progress. It’s growth. Emotional, spiritual, relational, and personal growth. I must walk through these times, feel these times, and continue to trust in the Lord and His great purposes.
For it is God who is working in you both to will and to work according to his good purpose.