After several months, I finally called Sprint and had them turn Jana’s phone number off. I still have her phone…paid the monthly payment just because I couldn’t bring myself to turn it back in to them. I hold on to it just like all the rest of her things…not really sure what I’m going to do with it all yet.
Every so often, I pick my head up and look across the landscape of my grief. I notice how everything looks different, I can see my last intense sorrow marker back on the trail, and I can even see the dark cloud hovering way back over the beginning of the journey. As I make my way, now, it’s much brighter and the path is becoming easier all the time.
I am learning to live. And…have learned to live… I’m finding my way, interacting with God differently, generating different expectations, even starting to make future plans… Maybe, I will move to the city and get an apartment? How odd. But, strangely enough…it sounds nice.
Today, I looked at my FaceTime app. The app where you call and talk to somebody face to face. Last time used it, I had called Jana. I thought, just maybe, it saved our video…Maybe I can hear her voice, see the soft curves of her face…look into those blue eyes. I touched her name, and it rang!
The phone is shut off. I don’t know where it rings actually. But, I quickly stopped it. Sort of an eerie feeling that it might be answered? Weird thoughts… The mind plays tricks on us sometimes!
I went about my morning, finishing getting ready for work. I picked up my phone and noticed I had a text…from Jana! My heart started pounding! I opened the text and it read, “Who is this?” Immediately, I knew what was going on. Her number was given to somebody else, and I had inadvertently dialed it.
But, oh it sent my mind reeling! I wanted to tell “her” – it’s me! Jana, it’s ME! I miss you so much! Don’t you remember? We talked on this line all the time! Don’t go… I’ll start our life all over again if you want…
My senses quickly prevailed, and I chose not to take the text from “Jana” personally. I wrote back, “Sorry, wrong number,” then blocked the number from my phone…never to talk on that line again.