The troubled memories have been accumulating. I could feel myself “stuffing” my emotions down over time, trying to get them to subside. So, after good counsel from the woman who loves me, I spent some time giving in to the pain. I reviewed pictures, listened to “those” songs, and cried a bit. Cathartic and cleansing, with a touch of pleasantness. Pleasant?
Looking at her picture, I can feel the heat of tears welling up around my eyes. My longing to relive that moment in the photo, just that one moment, is so strong… My heart reaches out and tries to apprehend, but falls short and what’s caught is nothing. I am alone…nothing but the tears making their way down my face.
For one thing, it always feels good to express these emotions. Crying is not something I do as often anymore, but emotions do exist. Feelings surround hurdles in life and love. Strength is found on the other side of these obstacles in the road. I appreciate any wisdom gained.
But, pleasant? The pictures, film clips, and memories warm me. I love seeing Jana, remembering where we were when the picture was taken, recalling our conversations (which is getting harder to do), and connecting with the emotions of that particular moment in time. How nice these things are now, and how wonderful those times were… So pleasant to my heart.
I have loved, I love, and I am loved. This “circle,” if you will, is what amazes me. God’s perfect will brought my marriage with Jana to an end. Love still surrounds her memory, our family, her family and so many friends. There is no animosity, no anger, no messy separation…just lingering grief in the midst of…love.
And, now, a new love in my life. More family, more friends…all bound by genuine love. How great is our God! The freedom to love in this way is a gift straight from the Lord. Fear is gone, worry has fled, sadness has been comforted…Jesus is near and He is carefully and lovingly guiding hearts.
What a walk. A journey of epic proportions. Systematically, dogmatically working through each painful element. Choosing not to avoid pain, but heading straight into it…feeling it, wrestling with it. Even now, and probably for years to come, troubled thoughts find their way to the surface. More work, but it’s good work.
Dear reader, I am different. I have changed. It would be impossible not to, wouldn’t it? Actually, I continue to change. I refuse to allow myself to neglect the truths that I have learned over the last couple of years. God has wrung me out for His purposes. Those purposes are what I live for.